Open Letter #10

Dear ——,

Am I seriously not good enough for you to chase?

If someone else swept in right here, right now, would you really not care? Would you smile and be genuinely happy about it? Because it seems like you won’t, nor do I think you will. But of course my thoughts are different from yours, and I don’t want to assume things—it isn’t my head after all. Perhaps you’re just like this with everyone. If so, please take me out of the count already. If this is a game to you, I don’t want to play. Treat me as an acquaintance if that’s what it takes. Anything but these mixed signals because they excite me, they make me happy beyond reason, and then I remember that, and I stop my emotions dead in their tracks. My heart replaces them with sadness, and once again, I find myself holding back the urge to cry out.

I don’t know if I’m just being delusional or you’re the one not clear with your intentions—maybe a little bit of both? If it’s the latter, however, then I hate knowing that I’m not worth the risk. That I’m an option for you to follow through with at your leisure. That I’m someone you’d be okay with losing to another. (You certainly aren’t for me. But if it does happen, then I promise to be the kind of best friend people would envy. But in the future, forgive me if I may not give you the same attention as I once did or a different kind from what you expect. Forgive me if I reject you—even if I still have these messed up feelings. I don’t want to be the one you settle for.) Sometimes, I wish someone else would sweep in, make me fall for them in complete bluntness—no guessing where they stand. I want to know what you’d say. I want to feel like I’m worth something again.

—N. Rinth

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